I dont even know where to begin. I have been in recovery for 4 months. I have gained emotions, thoughts, words, insight, sanity, humility, understanding and 45 pounds. It is a struggle everyday but, it is a struggle I am now willing to face with open arms. I chose life. That is something I think I deserve to feel proud about.
At the beginning of this "adventure" I was terrified. No, I take that back. Numb is a better word. I was too confused and malnutritioned to think or feel. My brain was one tracked. Thoughts that consisted of numbers: calorie counts, pounds, inches. Dont get me wrong, I loved my six pack. But blindness consumed the reality of my situation. Death was looming.
This has been a process. I should say this is a (still) a process. My body will never look the same to me as it does to others. In my mind, I may always be too big. The difference now is, I have things to live for. Things that got lost in this crazy disorder. Before I felt as if I had no choice. As if self-destruction was an obligation. Now, I am sure that everything is a choice. And that in itself is empowering.
So, Hello summer. Hello books, smiles, sunlight, imperfections, music, thoughts, Big Sky granola, aimless driving, college, immaturity, 45 yellow days, coffee cups/Americanos, sarcasm, green eyes, gestures of love, laughter...
It's nice to see you again.

Well, it has been a blurry few weeks. I feel like I am losing my mind. I got down to 87 pounds this past week but I was 90 pounds this morning and just about flipped my shit. I have so much guilt because I know what I am doing to my parents and sister. My mom cries a lot and my dad doesnt know what to do. And I am mean. Because I am hungry. It all just makes me so sad.
I am seeing my nutritionalist on Monday and then the Internalist on Tuesday. I have already been accepted into the outpatient program of this new eating disorder facility they are opening here in Birmingham. The place opens right at the end of February. Then I will be going a few evenings a week as well as some full days. This was never the way I intended to spend my senior year of high school.
I honestly can not even see how thin I am anymore. I dont think I look emaciated or anything. But my mom thinks I am going to fall over any moment. Whats more is, they may not let me go out of state to college. I have already been accepted to the closest liberal arts college here (and my parents alma mater) but the one I want to attend is not in state.
I know that recovery is in my best interest. But I am so scared. Just terrified of letting go. Life is tough. I know this. And I know that I will eventually make it out the other side. But it has been a long, exhausting ride. Sometimes I am afraid it wont end. But what other choice do I have, right?

November 1:
cw: 97 pounds
gw: 95
by: November 9

I made a list of the things i am aloud to eat. It is very small. I am fasting until 1245 am today. (11 more hrs) Then my list is lettuce, carrots, celery, mustard, tuna, yogurt ... for 2 days. I am adding carbs back after that. we'll see how it goes.

Everything is a mess. I am 113.
I binged before 8 a.m. Who the hell does that?
I am re starting 2468, except i am going backwards 8642.
I am at 500 for the day and it is 3:15. So, i have 300 for dinner.

Binged last night. Every time i dont think they could possibly get worse, they do.
I woke up at 111.8 so, i didnt gain too much. Still, i need control.
I think that I am eating so much because I am upset. That is the only thing that i can figure.
Mom found out that Brooke and I are talking so, i cut that off. I just cant do that to
everyone again. But the thing is, no matter what decision i make, I will be hurting someone.
I am hurting so badly. Just doing a good job of blocking it out.

Mom is getting extremely suspicious. She thinks i am throwing up. She knows my eating
habits are terrible. The last think she said to me this morning was "dont throw up, Em"
Dad is out of town. And i am glad that he is missing all of this madness.

I need control. I need control. I need control.
Maybe I will take all of the terrible food and slowly get rid of it. Not too suspicious.
but that way it wont be in the house. Its just SHIT that we dont need.
I dunno, I am going to think of something.

Goal by wednesday: 109

Yay! its friday! finally.
I can not stop these binges. I do fine until i get home from school. I started 2468 yesterday. I think i am already at 400 and its only 3 o'clock. Oh man. My plan is to use this weekend to get motivated and lose. I am so tired of seeing 111.8 and 112. Especially after seeing 110.8 the other day. I could just kick myself. What I want is to forget what food tastes like. So, tomorrow I am going to do 500. (or less)

Tonight i am going to Aerochild with Sibley, Jessica and Mal 'cause Sib wants another tattoo. Then, I might go shopping but i was trying to hold off on going until i broke this damned plateau. I just need jeans that fit. We officially have 2 weeks of school left. I am so glad because I'm tired of seeing the same people everyday.
PLAN:
cw: 112
gw by end of may: 107
I'm going to stick with 2468 until next friday and see where that gets me. I will weigh myself every other day. And keep track of what i am eating. My biggest goal is to stop the binges. (and purges) After next friday i will see from there. Maybe just stick with 500.
M.

I havent had anything since breakfast. Im starting to feel better. 3 bottles of green tea and a new purple dress later... I dont have an appetite right now. I dont know what I want with Alex. One minute she is driving me mad, the next minute i dont wanna break up because ... well, mostly i dont want to hurt her. And that is what i am doing. It makes me physically sick that i have this much power. I have the power to break her heart, make her cry. And im not okay with that. I didnt ask for it.
Brooke is no where to be found. I have called her. I dont know if her trip got cancelled or not. She is the one person i want to be around and i cant. All i know is, ive got to figure this out quick. it is wearing me out. I want things to start making sense again.

Tomorrow I am going to be STRONG!
I am contemplating vegetarianism.
And I moved the scale so I will only weigh
myself every other day.

M.

I am exhausted. Just so ready for this week to be over. Basically, i am going through the motions. I dont know what i want. I dont know what i am doing. And this needs to stop. I need to get past the ACT on saturday and go out and have fun. It feels like a long time since ive had fun. I saw B yesterday. We went to lakeshore. It was a beautiful day and i realized how much i have missed her. It was good.

On another note. I am stuck at 117. Im getting really discouraged. And i threw up blood tonight. Gross. Im dont think im eating too much. today i had:
B: peanutbutter and bread.
L: 80 cal yogurt and carrots.
S: 90 cal special K bar
D: beans/squash/meat = 200 cals AT MOST.

so, i dont know what is going on. and i worked out like crazy last night. Whatever. I have half a book to read.
em

CW: 116
i have lost 2.2 pounds this week. Suddenly I got really pissed and very motivated. I havent even worked out that much. Just restricted. I cant wait to see it go down even more. which wont be tomorrow. but ....
Last night and today was rough. I broke up with Alex. We are back together now. Im still not completely clear why i did it. but i know im much happier with her than without. It is in the past. Forward March!
<3

this morning I was 118.2
that amazing. but of course i binged. we had a golf match and i had shit on the way there and subway on the way back. what an idiot.
tonight i was 121. i threw up and was 120.4
then i went and ran. hopefully that helped.
tomorrow the plan is ...
NO GOING OVER 500 CALS.
Breakfast: toast and peanutbutter: 107
Lunch: apple and yogurt: 195
Snack: special K bar: 90
Dinner: looooots of liiiiiquiiiid. 102

I really hope that i havent gained a ton. My goal for next tuesday was 117-116. And i can still make it. I just need to stay in control.

Oh, and I almost got hit head on by an idiot in the school parking lot tonight.

So, I got down to 119.4 this morning. : ) what an amazing number to see.
I cant wait to see 115. it will be INCREDIBLE.
Tonight i ate more than i ment to because i skipped lunch. i wasnt home and didnt really want to eat Taco Bell. I guess i had less cals than if i had eaten lunch then dinner too. If i am back at 120 in the morning, i will just be really careful tomorrow. But, i have been so motivated lately. Seeing numbers go down is a total high.

well, time for pilates : )

this morning i was 121.8 and i restricted a lot yesterday. (today also)
Today i have had:
granola bar - 90cals
1/2 pbj sandwich - 130 ... (mom packed it. i had no choice)
4 crackers - 55 cals
carrots and hummus - 150 ish

total: 425 ... i thought it was going to be less.
so, maybe i should cut out carbs.
i was thinking about doing 2468 with the GM diet. I have no idea how that would work. I desperately want to be 119 by friday. And if i gain weight over this trip im going to freak out. like .... fuck.
i want to be 107 by June 15 ... which is totally do-able if i quit binging.

so ... plan for tomorrow ...
400 - 500 cals
little to none carbs.
damn, i hope this works.

I FINALLY got down to 120. (and have been for about 5 days)But we had MYF last night and I was at 121.8 this morning. ahhso, I have decided to do 2468 until Friday. (4 days) Because I am leaving for NYC and DC. and I dont want to be the only fat one on the trip. That would be sad. I WILL BE STRONG!everything else is crazy right now. Sib is refusing to go on ASP because Alex is going. its such bullshit. and i have a research paper due tomorrow. im going insane. I feel better than yesterday though. And once i start shopping in New York i will feel MUCH better. haha. anyways, school calls ....

This is such bullshit. Ive been saying for 2 weeks that i am going to be 120. well, now im even further from it. Im so pissed off at myself for getting out of control this weekend. Shiiit. So, thats it. Fuck ABC. I'm starting GM. Tomorrow. And in a week i will be 120 ... if not lower. I need to see the scale go down. I went to American Eagle today and i can fit into size 4 jeans. Which is good, i guess. But i want to be smaller. To disappear. My legs are huge. And my throat cant take anymore purging. So, GM.
Tomorrow: Fruit. (good thing we have a ton in the house.)
Monday: Vegetables.
i hope this works...

Alright.
cw: 124
goal by wed: 120
starting ABC today.

B: coffee - 30cals
coke zero
L: Grapefruit - 10cals
turkey - 4 slices - 40cals
cheese or pretzles ...

Total as of 2 oclock:
80 - 100 cals

so, 122.8 today.
my goal was 121 by tomorrow morning but that doesnt look hopeful.

anyways, i was thinking about the college deal. how the hell am i going to major in counseling? i cant even figure myself out ... i mean, i know it always is traced back to childhood or growing up. i just cant figure out why i am the way i am. maybe it was the control-freak mother or detached fater. but maybe its just me. maybe it has nothing to do with circumstance or how things fell into place. maybe i am a product of nothingness.
what the fuck?

alright, im not the poster child for mental stability ....